Expectations

Author: Vaibhav Vijay

 

With exams around the corner yet again, I couldn’t think of a better time to think about expectations. Expectations are standards telling us how life should be, always pushing us to do what we know we are capable of. Your expectations of yourself keep you going, helping you set realistic goals to one-up your best self.

Still, I felt weighed down by expectations and I doubt there is anybody else who hasn’t felt the same overwhelming burden. I wanted to know why my own expectations had me down and out when in fact, they should have been the driving force behind my growth as a person. Only then did it strike me that these weren’t my expectations I was carrying. This load was from what I expected of others, and even worse, what I expected others to expect of me. Thinking too hard about what I should be had led me down a slippery slope, had me feeling terrible about the things I couldn’t do and going through hell to do the things I shouldn’t do.

The thing is that the expectations of a person should be set by those who know that person and who knows you better than yourself. The moment you include someone else in this equation, there are unknowns you haven’t accounted for, leading to the uncomfortably familiar feeling of being disappointed in yourself or someone else.

So what’s the cure? Pretty straightforward-letting go.

Well, don’t let go of all your expectations. However, shooting for your goals is one thing and forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to, loathing what you do is another. It isn’t as easy as it sounds and there is loads of room for improvement. But every now and then just remember who you are and be wary of adopting someone else’s memory of you. You will begin to realize when you are trying to become a different person just for the sake of fulfilling another’s wishes

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” ~Bruce Lee

 

 

Beauty-A Conditioned Lie?

Author: Atulya Subhash

 

“Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”-an age-old quote that we have all heard as children. But does beauty today really just lie in the eyes of the beholder? I’ll let you be the judge of it.

The concept of beauty changes from time to time. Every era has its own standards of beauty. However, beauty based on physical appearances is a perspective that should arise in an individual from their independent judgements, not from the agendas manifested by beauty brands or the monotonous stereotypical faces blared on TV.

The bygone era in Hindi cinema has seen the likes of Madhubala, Nutan, Sharmila Tagore etc. who ruled the mainstream cinema. In the 90s, all lead roles played in successful commercial films were dominated by Madhuri Dixit, Aishwarya Rai, Kareena Kapoor and Preity Zinta. There was something peculiarly similar in all of them. Apart from the fact that all of them were mere eye candies (thanks to the wonderfully written storyline which gives them no more significance than the hero’s love interest), all of them were also tall and slender with a skin tone fairer than most Indian skin tones.

In lieu of the fair skin tone that was sold on screen, a myriad of complexion lightening skin products flooded the market. If cheating women wasn’t enough, there also came into being a range of fairness products just for men. This insanity was considered a norm until very recently. The absurdity of trying to manipulate one’s skin colour wasn’t seen as abnormal or wrong in the slightest sense by people. After all, one would want to look “beautiful” like the people on screen, wouldn’t they?

Women can be voluptuous, curvy or bony. Not many people look like the perfectly toned and slender ladies that the society considers beautiful. Men can have body hair or have no body hair at all. Calling them out for not being masculine enough for not having body hair, or not being bulky and muscular is pernicious to the core. This combined with other patriarchal beliefs births toxic masculinity. Many people start feeling insecure about the way they look because they’re fed with the same obnoxious content that involves unachievable standards of beauty.

Only photos that are picture perfect are considered worthy enough to be posted on social media. Very few people share their genuine selves on social platforms. This is because everyone aspires to be like their role models, who are unfortunately, in most cases, actors/models who look a certain way. Hence there is immense pressure to look that way, to be socially accepted. This is one of the major reasons why social media leads to extensive low self-esteem in teenagers. All such misleading beliefs that have led young, impressionable minds into believing they aren’t beautiful enough is a destructive thought to say the least.

Things are slowly starting to look up, with the way we see more kinds of people being represented on screen and in magazines. In addition, the recent restraint of advertisements by the Supreme court of India, is also a welcome move. However, we still have a long way to go in crushing malignant norms of the society. Hopefully, we’ll get to see a future where the quote, “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder” truly means just that and not the beauty we’re conditioned into seeing.

Fat Shaming

Author: Aditi Chandrasekar

 

It is a given that everyone has faced numerous judgments on their bodies throughout their lifetime-either it is too big, too wide, too small, oddly shaped, unevenly coloured, or sometimes even too perfect. For the majority of my childhood, I was constantly subject to remarks about my body being too fat. I remember experiencing bouts of sadness, followed by penning down angry rants about the world being a mean place. Going shopping for clothes was one of the most dreaded occasions, because it called for the spotlight on my body and many tears were inevitably shed in changing rooms. In fact, just about any situation that brought even the slightest attention to my physical shape was an awful time. I didn’t voice these feelings, because I mostly either wrote about it or bottled it up inside of me, but if I did, I would’ve learned that I wasn’t alone- Body standards that the commercial universe tries to stuff down our throats has been a looming issue for a long time now. Discriminatory behaviour against bigger people has been omnipresent, and the situation does not seem to be improving. Recent news saw a television host and a personal trainer (on separate occasions) advocating fat shaming, claiming that it helps combat obesity/general unhealthy weight gain. I believe that this is completely untrue, and it is beyond me how people so firmly believe that berating and belittling are effective tactics. From what I have learnt from mine and my peers’ experiences, healthy weight loss is something that can only come out of a healthy mindset and consistent emotional support from loved ones- it simply cannot be coerced by sanctimonious opprobrium. The numerous instances of fat-shaming leading to depression, anxiety and self-destructive behaviour are blaring proofs that bullying cannot constructively lead to a healthier lifestyle for anyone. Despite this, it continues to be a matter of debate if fat-shaming is necessary in modern times, with despairing statistics like 66% of adults in England being overweight (as of 2017). It is at times like these that we need to remember how easy it is to assume that overeating or weight gain is a result of failure of willpower and discipline. In reality, there can be multiple underlying biological reasons for weight gain that involve metabolism and appetite, that are beyond a person’s control. A 2019 study found out that not only does fat-shaming not work, it actually leads to a health decline both physically and mentally. It was found that most participants ended up gaining weight, and also afflicted with psychological problems. For a while in college, when I had lost a significant chunk of weight, the same people who called me big, were worried about me becoming too thin. It was confusing, irritating, but also relieving to realise that  judgements on physical appearance is a part of parcel of life itself and I’m still learning to take it with a grain of salt. It’s only because I had the awareness and support from my loved ones, that I reached this conclusion. Unfortunately, there are so many others who have faced harsh criticism on their appearances, and are struggling to cope with it alone. If we want to combat fat-shaming and its detrimental effects, it is important for everyone to share their personal experiences with weight and develop a safe community to promote healthy weight loss. This, combined with more accessibility to different options for food and exercise, is the only way to make progress in the coupled combat against obesity and fat-shaming.

Battling

Author: Nikita Suryawanshi

 

We all have heard people around us saying that life is full of struggles or what is life without a few ups and downs in it. Having been told this multiple times throughout our lifetimes, this beautiful quote has become something whose meaning is lost on us now. Yes, we have accepted the fact that one definitely does have to overcome numerous hurdles to achieve their goals. All of us are struggling to survive each day and to get through the difficult times of our lives.

But our own hardships have taken such precedence over others’ that we tend to think that no can have it as bad as me. And so in this situation, we are prone to disregard the hardships of other people. We, knowingly or unknowingly, may be impertinent to others and hurt their sentiments. Not everyone may be sharing or open about their problems. They may put on a smiling mask and pretend that everything is fine. This, however, does not give anyone the right to be inconsiderate towards their battles. Because, visible or not, someone has it worse.

Sometimes it may also go the other way round. Maybe someone you have known well and for a long time might suddenly be acting distant. May be they will yell at you or stop talking to you altogether. The point is, you never know what people are dealing with inside, nor what they’ve had to face in life. People don’t act out towards others in strange, inappropriate, or hurtful ways because they’re doing well in life. They act out towards others because they’re hurting inside, because their pain is getting the better of them, or because they’re on the losing end of their own inner battle.

One of my all time favourite books has been “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini. The story revolves around the lives of a young girl named Laila and her neighbour, Mariam. Laila has grown up seeing Mariam in the neighbourhood everyday and has formed a judgement of her own, as has Mariam for Laila. However, circumstances lead to their lives being intertwined. This when they both realise that the pictures that they have painted of each other in their minds were very wrong. Laila sees the reasons behind Mariam’s distant behaviour and the latter realises that Laila’s life is not as perfect as she may have thought.

What the book taught me was that you never have any idea what someone is facing. Some person you see every day, talk to everyday, even a stranger you walk past on the road may be fighting battles that you never could have imagined. Everyone is confronting their own monsters and this made me realise how inconsiderate I might have been towards others’ struggles. As quoted by Shaikh Ruhi, “Everyone is fighting their own battle and maybe their fight is bigger and worse than yours.”

Accepting Perspectives

 Author: Nikita Suryawanshi

 

Wayne Dyer quoted- “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” 

Perspective, as described by the Oxford dictionary, is a particular attitude towards something; a way of looking at things or situations. For me, perspective is but a simple truth of life which we sometimes willingly choose to ignore. For a long time, humans have divided judgement on actions and reactions into only two categories: right and wrong. But how can we decide whether something is right or wrong if everyone is looking at it from a different angle? Every individual has his/her own unique personality which makes them stand out in the crowd. Everyone’s “way of looking at things” is different. 

Most of the arguments that we normally get engaged in occur due to different point of views. When conferring about, say, a recent crime, one might be sympathizing with the victim while someone else may have put themselves in the shoes of the accused. The reason of the argument is that the other person has a different perspective on things. He is looking through his pair of glasses at the world, as well as we all do. This means that we filter everything by our personal history, our beliefs, motivations and concepts that we hold true. But what is correct for us may not necessarily be so for another.

Our choice of not understanding and accepting another outlook is what turns discussions into debates. Somewhere, it causes unrest in our own minds. Often we are afraid that seeing the other perspective could lead to us losing the argument … or worse, to get a disadvantage. But the true value of another perspective lies within seeing more of a situation and therefore being able to make a better judgment for ourselves as well as the other person. I personally feel frustrated when the person I am conversing with doesn’t try to look at things the way I do. So here’s my main question: why inflict so much torture on our minds?

I recently finished reading To Kill A Mockingbird. Reading reviews of the book, I noticed people talking about the upsetting discrimination based on the caste and colour of an independent underlined by the author. For me, however, the highlight of the book is the way the narrator grows mature when she starts accepting her neighbor for who he is. From being curious and apprehensive about his way of living life, she transforms to a person who looks at the world from his eyes, accepts his choices and in the process learns that he cares for her in his own special way.

My point, simply put, is that things seem to get complicated when we keep on opposing. Instead, life becomes plain sailing when we start accepting. Someone is acting in a particular way depending on how they perceive that situation. To acknowledge and respect another person’s perspective can only lead to a more positive outcome. The self growth accompanied by acceptance is incomparable. Not only does it broaden our horizons, it brings us peace of mind too. If you get a bigger picture, you get a perspective that is able to solve a situation that seemed unsolvable first.

The greater good is to recognize others and their viewpoints. After all, they say open-minded people do not impose their beliefs on others. They accept all of life’s perspectives and realities, doing their own thing in peace.

The Lovers’ Burden

The mirror told the truth. Savitej was no ordinary man. Over six and a half feet tall, and consisting of two hundred pounds of pure muscle, he was touted to become one of the greatest soldiers of the Bihar Regiment, joining a Param Vir Chakra awardee and multiple Vir Chakra awardees. An exceptional marksman, a cunning strategist and a gallant leader, his booming voice and strong personality made him equally feared and revered by his battalion.

He slapped himself and muttered, “Wake up, wake up, wake up. Another day’s about to start.” He looked at all his scars, as he would, every morning. They meant nothing to him, in spite of what they made him go through. There was a pain radiating down his lower back. And for some reason, it was the only thing that mattered to him. He smirked and got dressed in his track suit, for his pre-dawn jog.

Taking his first lap around Danapur Cantonment, the pain felt more than usual. Looking around, he saw the armoured units warming up their vehicles for their daily patrols and the supply trucks arriving from Patna. The first flock of birds was taking flight and a couple of roosters were beginning to crow. All in all, it was another usual day.

Completing his jog, he returned to his bungalow. His lover was still sound asleep on their bed. He kissed his lover and sat down at his desk, to write his daily log. He winced as he sat down and murmured, “Am I getting too old for all these acrobatics?” While writing, he nodded off and fell asleep.

The sound of the bugle awakened him. He woke up with a start, and saw the mess on his diary. “Oh, not again,” he said, tearing off the ink blotted pages and tossing them into the trash. He saw his lover move in the bed, and said, “Good morning, my love. How are you this fine morning?” A high-pitched voice replied, stifling a yawn, “All good! You?”

“Never been better. The pain keeps getting worse, though.”

He was greeted with an eye-roll, followed by the usual “I told you that we didn’t have to do it last evening. But you insisted.”

He chuckled and said, “I’ll be fine. This pain is worth it. This pain is worth the sacrifices you make.”

A smile as warm as the sun outside shone at him, and his lover got up. They embraced, and he said, “Off you go to the barracks. Make sure no one gets to know.”

“Yes, Sir. See you on Saturday.”

He watched his lover jog towards the barracks. As the figure got smaller and smaller, he wondered how long they could keep it going, without being exposed. Eventually, he’d have to tell someone about the pain. He couldn’t tell the army doctors, or his peers: it would result in an immediate suspension and court-martial. He did the usual and called his sister up, and asked for medication. Hearing his symptoms, she laughed and said, “You’re forty-three, and your phase still hasn’t passed? Oh, Dear Lord.” She prescribed some pain-relievers and hung up.

Thursday, the 6^th of September, was like any other day for Lt. Gen. Savitej Singh Johar. Going through files, letters, requests for leaves and go-aheads, was his bread and butter. As he leafed through the Services hockey team’s request to go out and practice in the SAI complex, he realised that he hadn’t played a good game of hockey in ages. He closed the file, and got up. ‘Let me go to Bharadwaj and see if I get into the officers’ team for the next tournament’, he thought. As he walked outside his air-conditioned office, he received a call from his sister.

Answering the call, he could hear people, on the other side, shouting in glee all around, shouting “Love Wins!” He heard his sister shout, “Go see the news immediately! Bye!” What could’ve happened, he wondered, that his sister called him up to tell him to watch the news. He went down to the lobby, where a crowd had gathered around the TV. Some were murmuring nervously, some had small smiles of relief and some had looks of immense disgust. He read the headline, and his heart almost stopped.

The headline read, “Supreme Court unanimously strikes down Section 377.” His pulse grew faster, and he felt as though the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. His hands were trembling, and a tear came to his left eye. He had never felt relief like this in his whole life, not even when he finished at the Defence Academy. All his life, he had live in the fear of his superiors finding out, the fear of being isolated by his peers and the fear of losing the respect of his battalion.

Walking back to his office, he dialled the barracks and ordered them to tell Brigadier Agrawal report to his office. He was told that Brigadier Agrawal was arrested by the military police, a quarter of an hour ago. Before they could tell him the reason for the arrest, there was a sharp rap on his door. Disconnecting the call, he barked, “Come in.” The door opened, and four military police officers walked in.

He smiled at the officers, and said, “Ah, yes, boys, how may I help you?” He recognised them all, they had all served under him, at one point. None of them smiled back; on the contrary, their faces revealed apologetic expressions. He couldn’t understand why. His smile disappeared, and he said, “What’s wrong, boys?” The shortest of them, Officer Mishra, said, “Lieutenant General Savitej Singh Johar, you are under arrest for violating Section 46(a) of the Army Act, 1950 as reported by Brigadier Lohith Agrawal, with video proof. He was arrested twenty minutes ago, after he showed a certain video to his bunkmates, as a reaction to the news. You, sir, are part of it and named explicitly in it.”

His joy turned into fear, his elation turned into anger and his newfound throne of safety crumbled into a pile of dust. He stood up and bellowed, his voice breaking, “Are you out of your minds? Did you not see the news?”

“Indeed, sir. Acts of homosexual intercourse are not permitted in the Armed Forces. Please come with us.”

Savitej sank into this chair. His mind went blank. His limbs grew cold. His muscles stiffened. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he could hold no longer. The pain his back was at its worst. He remembered all his lovers: the times they had spent, how he held them, how he kissed them and the times they had become one. As the officers handcuffed him, and took him away, he could see people coming out of their offices, and looking at him in shock and awe. And that’s when he realised: Everything had changed and everything was the same.

Acceptance

Coming home had always been something I’d stubbornly avoided for as long as I could remember. The thought of living under restrictions, surviving with my parents constantly barking around my ears and having uncomfortable conversations with relatives you didn’t even know existed always frightened me. As you grow older, you tend to overcomplicate things as well. You carry more baggage, more secrets, more lies. You learn to hide these secrets and lies effectively over time. You only let these secrets out based on how comfortable you are with the people around you. When it comes to my family and I, well it’s easy to say that we’re not the closest.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. They’re a crazy bunch who would do anything to make me happy. It’s just that now that I’m older and more confident in who I am as a person, my body won’t let me go back to be that shy kid who continually obeyed anything and everything my family told me to do; even if it was wrong.

My thoughts were clouded with these unwanted disputes as I nervously fiddled with my boarding pass at the boarding gate to my flight. I was hoping my flight would get delayed just to string the ‘reunion’ a little further away, but to my utter surprise, it had been preponed. How exciting.

You must be wondering why I was so pessimistic about just going home. You see, I’ve been hiding a big secret from them for the past few years. A secret which I know my family would heavily frown upon. Revealing the secret may either result in my family being completely torn apart, or me losing everything I loved and cared for so dearly. There was no ‘win-win’ situation in any possible path I chose. You would think that residing in a country where the word ‘freedom’ was tossed out like confetti from a piñata, my family would be more understanding and accepting for the man I had become and how I lead my life.

As I sat down in my flight, my girlfriend clutched my hand and gave me a look of understanding. “It’s gonna be okay,” she muttered as I typed out a text to my mom informing her of my flight’s departure. I immediately got a text back saying “That’s amazing! Have a safe flight hun! The entire family is here to meet you!” They wouldn’t just be meeting me now, would they? I switched my phone off at that point and tried to make myself get some rest. A long week lay ahead of us.

The few hours after our arrival at Michigan city went by in a blur, all the while my tummy getting more and more restless as the minutes went by. I purposely insisted my family not to pick me up from the airport (which to my surprise, they actually agreed to), hence we booked an Uber to my parent’s home. Throughout the journey my palms were sweaty, my face flushed as I kept fidgeting from side to side. My girlfriend felt my quivering nerves and tried to hug me out of it, but it was all an exercise in futility. I could feel my stomach doing backflips continuously, and by the time I could calm myself down, we had arrived at our destination.

I paid the driver and helped ourselves up to the veranda of my house. I rang the doorbell thrice like I usually did, and prepared myself for the worst. Well here goes nothing.

The door swung open to my parents exuberant faces. They looked me up and down before diving into a bear hug, all the while planting kisses all over my face (still grosses me out to this day). They let go of me after 10 long minutes of cooing and telling me how much I’d changed, before stepping back and realising that there was another human being standing right next to me. They analysed her with confusion on their faces, before asking me about who she was. I gulped nervously.

“I just want you to hear me out before you guys say anything okay? Just don’t freak out.” They nodded in unison.

“Uh, this is my girlfriend, Hannah. We’ve been dating for 3 years now.” The confusion on their faces started to dissolve into a frown. “I’ve been wanting to tell you guys about her ever since we met, but I know how you guys view relationships in general. So, I stopped myself because I didn’t want there to be unnecessary drama when we already had enough on our plates. I just want you to accept her, accept us and give us your blessing.”

There was an awkward silence for about 5 minutes before my mom, holding a poker face, moved to the side and made way for us to enter their house. Not a word was uttered by my parents as we walked inside, just the sound of our footsteps echoing through the hallway. Curious stares were shared between my relatives, some in surprise, some in awe and some in disappointment, as Hannah and I made our way upstairs. Boy had we upset them.

We came downstairs a few hours later, gathering by the fireplace at the centre of the house. The room, filled with all of my relatives, was eerily quiet as we sat down. Hannah looked nervous for the first time in forever, looking around the place like a deer caught in the headlights. Boy had she handled all this like a champ. I’m just glad she hadn’t run away as soon as we got here. My mum and dad walked in soon after, serving us drinks. My mum called for a toast, catching everyone’s attention.

“Greetings everyone. Thank you all for gathering at our place this Christmas Eve. I’d like to share a toast in honour of our returning and new guests here. As we all know, the past few years haven’t been easy, with Andrew moving out, his sister getting married and what not. Whatever came, we faced it with our heads held high and kept ourselves happy throughout it all. And as we all know; our happiness lies in the happiness of our children.” The crowd hummed, and murmurs of agreement were heard from across the room.

“I would like to start the evening by sharing a quote said by Leo Tolstoy, ‘The means to gain happiness is to throw out from oneself, like a spider, in all directions an adhesive web of love, and to catch in it all that comes.” Was she saying what I think she was saying? Hannah and I exchanged shocked glances.

“With that said, I would like to give a warm welcome to Hannah, my would-be daughter-in-law to the Anderson family. We love you both with all our hearts, and we hope to see little grandkids running around the house very soon.” I rolled my eyes at that one, while Hannah blushed beside me.

“Merry Christmas everyone! Cheers!” The entire room filled with uproars of joy and excitement, as they hustled over to clink their glasses. Hannah was still processing what just happened, while I scooped her up into a bear hug and shared a light kiss. The family cheered in unison before they all started hugging us one by one, congratulating us on our relationship I couldn’t believe it. It felt amazing to finally let the people who I’ve loved the longest coexist with the person I loved the most. I guess the saying is true, the love and acceptance of a family is Life’s greatest blessing.

By Oeindrila Bairagi